We all face moments in life where things feel overwhelming—whether it's grief, illness, loss, or a personal crisis. During these times, having a true friend by your side can make all the difference. But what does it really mean to be a true friend when someone is going through hard times? How can you offer support that truly helps, without feeling like you’re intruding or unsure of what to say?
Being there for someone in their darkest moments is about showing up in ways that are consistent, compassionate, and thoughtful. It’s about actions that go beyond the surface level and provide real emotional support. Here's how you can be a true friend when it matters the most.
1. Show Up, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Hard times can be awkward or intimidating for those on the outside. We may not always know what to say, or we might worry about saying the wrong thing. But being a true friend means showing up, even when it feels difficult.
It doesn’t have to be grand gestures. Sometimes, just being physically present can mean everything. If your friend has suffered a loss, maybe just sitting with them in silence speaks more than any words could. Texts like "I’m here for you" or "I’m thinking about you" show they’re on your mind, but don’t let that be the only connection. A call, a quick visit, or even leaving a meal on their doorstep can show that you care without pressuring them to perform their grief or hardship for you.
Practical Tip: Offer specific support rather than general statements like "Let me know if you need anything." Instead, say, "I’m going grocery shopping—what can I pick up for you?" or "I’m free on Thursday; would it help if I came over to do some laundry?"
2. Listen Without Needing to Fix
One of the hardest things for any of us is to sit with someone’s pain and realize we can’t fix it. But often, your friend doesn’t need solutions—they need someone to hear them. Active listening is key. Listen without offering advice unless they ask for it. Refrain from turning the conversation toward your own experiences or minimizing their pain.
When your friend opens up, let them lead. Reflect on what they’re saying without inserting your opinions too quickly. Validate their feelings with phrases like, "That sounds incredibly difficult," or "I can’t imagine how that must feel."
Practical Tip: Practice reflective listening. After your friend speaks, paraphrase back what they’ve said: "It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed by all of this." This shows you’re paying attention and understanding their emotions, rather than just waiting for your turn to talk.
3. Consistency Over Time
Being a true friend isn’t just about showing up in the immediate aftermath of hardship. Often, the most challenging part for someone going through a difficult time is the weeks or months afterward, when the world moves on, but they’re still struggling. True friends remain present during the long haul.
Set reminders to check in regularly, even if it’s just a simple, "How are you doing today?" Don’t be afraid to bring up their hardship, as avoiding the topic can sometimes feel like avoidance of them. But do so in a way that allows them space to choose how much to share.
Practical Tip: If you know your friend’s struggle will continue for a while—like with chronic illness or grief—plan check-ins or small gestures at consistent intervals. For example, send a note or small gift each month. Let them know they aren’t forgotten once the initial crisis passes.
4. Offer Practical Help
When someone is going through a difficult time, day-to-day tasks can feel impossible. Practical help, like cooking a meal, offering to drive them somewhere, or handling errands, can lift a huge burden. This not only provides tangible relief but also demonstrates your willingness to step in without being asked.
If they’re dealing with something long-term, think about ways you can make their life a little easier. For example, if they’re caring for a sick relative, offer to take over for a few hours so they can have some personal time. If they’re grieving, help them sort through old memories when they’re ready.
Practical Tip: Be specific with your offers. Instead of saying, "Do you need help?" say, "I’d like to take care of dinner this week for you—does Thursday work?"
5. Respect Their Needs and Boundaries
Everyone copes differently, and being a true friend means respecting how your friend chooses to handle their hard times. They may want to talk constantly, or they may need space. Check in, but always respect their boundaries if they ask for time alone or don’t respond immediately.
Remember, your role is to support them in the way that’s best for them, not in the way you think is best. Be attuned to their signals and follow their lead.
Practical Tip: Ask open-ended questions like, "What’s the best way I can support you right now?" Or say, "I’m here for you, but I also understand if you need some time to yourself."
6. Be A Source of Positivity and Encouragement, Without Dismissing Their Pain
During hard times, it’s tempting to try to cheer your friend up by saying things like, "At least…" or "It’ll get better soon." While these statements might come from a place of kindness, they can sometimes feel dismissive of the real pain your friend is feeling. Instead, offer encouragement that acknowledges their feelings while reminding them of their strength.
Tell them things like, "I know this is incredibly tough, but I believe in your strength to get through it." Focus on being a source of light in their life, while still honoring the darkness they’re in.
Practical Tip: Send encouraging messages like, "You’ve been through so much, and I’m amazed by your resilience. I’m here for you every step of the way."
7. Celebrate Their Small Wins
If your friend is going through a long-term struggle, it’s important to celebrate small victories along the way. Did they get out of bed on a particularly tough day? Acknowledge that. Did they manage to laugh or smile despite their pain? That’s a win, too. These moments of celebration can provide much-needed encouragement.
Practical Tip: Text or call to celebrate even the smallest steps forward: "I’m so proud of you for taking that step—you’re amazing."
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers
Being a true friend isn’t about having the perfect words or the ideal solutions. It’s about showing up, listening deeply, and being consistent over time. It’s about understanding that sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply be present.
Hard times test friendships, but they also deepen them. When we show up for those we love in their darkest moments, we become a source of light, comfort, and stability. And in doing so, we not only help our friends heal—we strengthen the bonds that hold us together.
Remember, being a true friend is a journey. Keep showing up, and you’ll make a difference, even when it feels like you don’t know how.